Weeks before my children’s father passed, my daughter called. She felt maybe my former husband was holding on because we had unfinished business? “Mom, do you want to come now to see dad? I don’t think there’s much time left.” I stayed quiet for an instant. I wasn’t sure. I then told my daughter to ask my two son’s as well as my former husbands sister who had been faithfully at his side. I wanted to honor their sacred space and not over step a boundary they may have created. My daughter called back within the hour. It was agreed I could come. I packed my bag and was on the road in 20 mins time. My sweet cousin was concerned and didn’t want me to drive alone in the late hours. We arrived and immediately I was whisked into the security area. My cousin stayed in the lobby of the empty hospital waiting patiently. As I walked into the ICU, my children’s father was heavily sedated. I stood by him, held his hand, in sorrow, but also a deep knowing that he chose this dramatic experience, on the spiritual level of my understanding. Why would anyone choose this? My spiritual sister believes that there was karma to be worked out and healed. In the scheme of things, I believe also this experience involves those connected. His lesson was part of their lesson.
As I stood there by his bedside, so many memories came flooding in. Questions and uncertainty of the past. Deep and long breaths in between the unfinished business thoughts and feelings. This release was long over due. Sadly, we could never sit down as mature adults and talk anything out. This approach wasn’t ever welcomed and I reluctantly honored it. I took a seat and peered at the countless machines keeping him alive.
I began meditating. I then prayed. I asked for forgiveness–This is something that is encouraged in the spiritual circles. Even though there were unfinished mounds of situations and dialog that occurred in our relationship, but never a sorry uttered. I waited to hear if there would be any communication from the ether’s What I sensed, he was waiting for me to arrive. This could of been his sorry. Maybe the only way it could of ever happen on this earthly plane. Nothing else was felt, other than he was winding down from a long and difficult 7 years of illness. I let everything from the past…go…
One week after his death, his services were set after the Thanksgiving holiday. I was sitting in the back yard, working on a project on my laptop. Suddenly, a strong feeling came over me. I was flooded with a memory and it felt like he wanted me to share this experience at his services. This long forgotten memory was not so pleasant at the time and took me a while to get over. I’ve found, as we age, stories end up a part of our history. I let the ill feelings of this event go long ago, but wasn’t so sure to share it with a full house, those I haven’t seen in over 20 years. I struggled with this inner conflict , decided to pass and just share it with my children, when most appropriate.
At my former husbands service,I thought I would feel his presence and maybe hear something significant. My daughter kept asking but not one trace. After the service, it hit me. He wasn’t near his body, he was in the back of the room, watching from a far. This was his style. Even at my children’s sporting events, when they were young, he would stand afar, observing. I received no message, no sign.
When our body goes through a horrific illness or death, once we are on the other side, we are held in an amazing place for us to rest and heal, as the soul has a very deep imprint of the trauma. Perhaps after he’s settled and gets connected, he’ll be back to heal some of his unfinished business.
I found it interesting that there was a physician in 1907, who preformed experiments to measure the soul weight. Dr MacDougall constructed a bed that had a scale. He measured the weight,before, during and after the death of 6 individuals. He found that there was an average weight of 21 grams lost at death. That’s about 2 1/2 teaspoons of sugar. Once someone leaves their body, the lightness has been highlighted after one’s NDE.
Larry, I wish you the lasting peace you yearned for in this life. My wish has always been that you grew closer to our children. That gift was accomplished. You’re now reunited with your cousin, Greg, who you adored and never really healed deeply from that sudden loss. So many of your friends and loved ones were waiting for your arrival, even my father, who you loved dearly. I now hope there’s an understanding regarding the countless life situations and lessons that seemed foreign to you when you were here and never resolved.
Until we meet again…xo